


APRIL'S FOOL.

by ltab



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: F/F, Gen, M/M, Unfinished, heavy abuse discussion, lgbt + disabled/hoh/mentally ill/neurodivergent/partially mute characters, nb yusuke and futaba, read notes 4 more info
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23099176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ltab/pseuds/ltab
Summary: The Fool is the beginning of all things, but what more is there to Akira past everything he's done for other people? Where doeshisstory end— where did it evenstart?Akira leaves Tokyo and returns to his hometown in Nara with the same air of mystery and reluctance he arrived with. He seems to vanish off the face of the earth following this departure.No one ever knows what to expect from Akira. Not even his closest friends.Or: Akira's luck runs dry.
Relationships: Kitagawa Yusuke/Kurusu Akira, Kitagawa Yusuke/Kurusu Akira/Sakamoto Ryuji, Kitagawa Yusuke/Sakamoto Ryuji, Kurusu Akira & Sakura Sojiro, Kurusu Akira/Sakamoto Ryuji, Niijima Makoto/Okumura Haru, Suzui Shiho/Takamaki Ann, thieves & one another
Comments: 5
Kudos: 107





	1. QUIETER NIGHTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rush of wind past his ears feels nice. It feels free, and he wishes he could live in this moment forever: just him, the family he made for himself from the ground up, nothing between them, and a road that stretches on for miles and miles.
> 
> Fantasies aren't something he lets himself get lost in for long, but maybe just this once.
> 
> It's all he's ever wanted, after all.

Even after everything has drawn to a close, Akira feels incomplete.

Leaning out of the sunroof of the van, feeling tousled curls of his stubborn hair whip around his face, watching the sea pass by beside them, he's forced to agree with Ryuji's statement from a minute ago: none of this feels real.

It's weird to say that after the year he spent infiltrating cognitions of people's distorted desires and stealing their hearts in the name of justice, but this is still failing to sink in completely. After nearly a year of making a home in Tokyo, he's going back to where he actually belongs in Nara.

It's bittersweet. Akira thinks he's the most upset about it out of everyone, but no one needs to know that.

The rush of wind past his ears feels nice. It feels free, and he wishes he could live in this moment forever: just him, the family he made for himself from the ground up, nothing between them, and a road that stretches on for miles and miles.

Fantasies aren't something he lets himself get lost in for long, but maybe just this once.

It's all he's ever wanted, after all.

  
  
  


When Makoto pulls them off the toll road to park seaside at one in the afternoon, and Ryuji opens the van's backdoors to present a cooler of sodas and a stack of beach towels and an umbrella, Akira knows this is all for him and it settles funny in his chest, sinking unevenly into his stomach.

“I have to get back before seven,” he signs idly, not actually caring much. He's pleased when they brush it off as unimportant, irrelevant, because that's exactly what it is.

They sit by the sea and talk, laughing like they just can't stop and Akira feels overwhelmed with the feeling of being seventeen years old for once. He hasn't felt his age in too long, and these are the only people who remind him that he's still just a teenager.

They're making this so hard. Akira wouldn't trade it for the world.

  
  
  


Around three in the afternoon, Ann fans herself with a magazine and says, “You know, even after a year of knowing him, Akira still feels like a total mystery to me.”

Akira's used to this. People poking around to dig up everything they can about him. He knows, though, that he's done a good job of hiding every aspect of himself aside from his past with Shido. He does it on purpose and isn't even sure why.

Normally he'd shrug off an attempt to pry him open like this, because he doesn't like talking about himself. But he doesn't know if he'll be able to hold on to this friendship after today, so he's fine with humoring them for now.

He turns his head to squint at Ann, ignoring the glint of sun that gets in his eyes past the umbrella they lodged into the sand. “That so?”

“I've known you the longest out of everyone here and I'm _still_ constantly guessin’ things about you,” Ryuji kicks at his leg with a socked foot. “Ann's got a point. You're scary good at keepin’ to yourself.”

“What do you guys want to know about me, then?”

It's funny how excited everyone gets at the question alone. They really need to stop putting Akira on such a lofty pedestal. Or maybe _he_ needs to stop giving them reasons to assume he's exciting in any way.

Haru starts. “How is it that you even managed to be so secretive over the course of a _year_?”

“I don't talk,” an easy answer, but he pauses to reconsider a second afterwards. “Or, I try not to. You guys know I'll sign if I can get away with it. I think today is the most I've talked out loud by choice in months and it's because I'm in a good mood.”

“Fuck talking,” Futaba nods sagely, reaching over to high five Akira happily.

Makoto purses her lips. “What kinds of things are you interested in? You always seemed so focused on being a Thief that I couldn't imagine you having outside interests that have nothing to do with the job.”

That one is harder, because Akira can't pinpoint an answer. “I just kinda go with whatever comes up. I liked Featherman a lot when I was watching it with Futaba, and Yusuke gave me an art book I couldn't stop reading a few months back. It just depends.”

“C'mon, there's no way you don't like _anything_ outside of what other people show you,” Ann laughs. “What about before you got to Tokyo?”

Before he got to Tokyo? Akira could laugh at the thought. “I'm way more boring than you think,” he says instead, returning Ann's teasing grin.

Morgana peeks his head up from where he's curled in Futaba's lap. “Did you ever get tired of being Joker?”

“I _am_ Joker. I don't know what you mean.”

“Idiot,” Morgana shakes his head, “I mean, being our leader and stuff. And, as someone who rarely left your side the entire time you were a Phantom Thief, you acted a _lot_ differently as Joker than you did as Akira.”

Akira… didn't know that. It's odd to hear that there was any difference between himself in the real world and himself in the cognitive world. “No, not really. I kinda live to serve others. It's why I was so passionate about being a Thief, maybe why I seemed different as Joker, too. If it's for someone else I'll do as much as I can to help.”

“You never stop bein’ the coolest person I've ever met,” Ryuji snorts. Akira flushes and smiles at him.

“I have one,” Yusuke begins. Akira has to crane his neck to look at them. “How do you view yourself? I'm sure everyone here sees you in a different light. It's as though you never have a definitive personality.”

That's funny, Akira thinks, because maybe he was granted access to the Wild Card for a reason. Mastering the use of so many Personas; maybe it helped for him to be such a blank, undecided slate. “I don't know, I don't really pay attention to myself. What do _you guys_ think of me?”

“You're charming,” Yusuke answers easily, with that pretty little smile of theirs, “caring. It astounds me that I despised you and Ryuji so vehemently when we met when I now consider you both to be two of the kindest individuals I've ever met.”

Futaba looks at him with narrowed eyes and a grin. “You're weird. In a good way. Admirable.”

“Considerate, impassioned, and ridiculous at times,” Makoto counts the traits on her fingers as she goes. “Strange. There's a lot to you I wouldn't be able to explain.”

Haru nods her agreement. “You're incredibly sweet, very dedicated, and motivated. Clumsy, though.”

“See, when I think _Akira_ , I think of the cool, awkward friend of mine who gave me hope so many times when I needed it,” Ann taps her nail against the magazine in her lap. “But when I think _Joker_ , I think of the super professional, suave leader who was always flirting with Shadows to get them to leave us alone.”

“I only did that when it was _necessary_ ,” Akira complains, earning laughs around the group.

Ann shrugs. “It just depends, I guess. You're just _that_ much of a mystery. What about you, Ryuji?”

Ryuji doesn't answer immediately, hands folded atop his stomach as he stares listlessly at the roof of the umbrella above them. After a pause, he decides, “Strong.”

Akira can't fight back his laugh at the response. “All thanks to your rigorous training, coach.”

The blond turns to look at him, eyes distant but shining with some emotion Akira can't quite identify. He's grinning, though. “Not what I meant.”

“That question is up in the air, I guess,” yawns Morgana, who is settling back into a ball in Futaba's lap. “Akira's Akira. Nothing more or less.”

He can live with that. Turning his gaze back to Ann, he asks, “What about you? You mentioned me being a mystery in the first place, is there something you wanted to know?”

“Uh, I was just kinda mentioning it because it was on my mind, but…” she cocks her head side to side while thinking, twintails swaying with her head. “Oh, did you ever have a crush on anyone while you were here?”

Akira blinks at her, furrowing his brows at the question. He can't believe how much it makes him think. It's probably the most mundane thing they've asked today. He can feel the anticipation for his answer bubbling from his friends around him, but he turns to look at the roof of the umbrella while he thinks.

“All those ladies swarming you and it's still hard for you to choose,” Ryuji jokes, and Akira grins distractedly in reply.

Makoto snickers. “Must have been too focused on the Phantom Thieves to think about crushes.”

“There was this one boy,” Akira decides, and he leaves it at that. He shuts his eyes and grins at the outburst that it garners, retreating back into the safety of being a mystery for now.

There were a few boys, actually.

  
  
  


“Hey,” Futaba says as they're piling back into the van at four, “I didn't get to ask my question.”

Makoto kicks the ignition. The van rumbles to life and Akira replies, “Shoot.”

“If you could have absolutely anything in the world _right_ now, what would it be?”

That's such an easy question. Akira's had its answer in his mind all day. Its answer is sitting all around him. He already _has_ everything he wants right now.

“I could go for a Durian-au-Lait right now,” he hums thoughtfully, and he smiles when they all laugh.

  
  
  


He stops feeling like he's floating through the day when they enter the perimeter of his hometown in Nara. In fact, he stops floating and crashes into the ground.

He asks Makoto quietly to park down the street from his house rather than at its exact address, knowing that his neighbors will see him and whisper about him regardless but being more intimidated by the building he was raised in. This is where the tone shifts from sad to somber.

They pile out on the sidewalk outside of the local convenience store. Despite it only being six thirty, it's already quiet and empty throughout the town. Akira forgot how desolate it felt to be here. The rest of the Thieves are astounded by the barrenness.

They're such city kids, it's almost funny.

Ann is the first one with arms around Akira once they're out of the van. “We're going to miss you so much,” she says softly, face hidden in Akira's shoulder, and Akira closes his eyes and wraps his arms around her, nodding carefully. “You better come visit us every chance you get, hear me? You and Mona both. Or else I'm dragging you to Tokyo myself.”

“Of course I'll visit,” Akira laughs softly, and the words alone seem to move Ann to tears. She gives him a friendly kiss on the cheek before shoving him away to wipe her eyes.

Haru follows up, having to tiptoe to throw her arms around his neck, and she doesn't say anything. Akira easily understands, hugging her back tightly.

“Keep Makoto in control, yeah? She gets more rebellious each day,” he whispers. Haru laughs through tears and nods her head against his chest. She fixes his lapel when she draws away, patting his shoulder carefully and moving to say goodbye to Morgana with Ann.

“Take care of yourself,” Makoto says with her brief but sure hug. She pats his cheek carefully, squinting her eyes at him and shaking her head. “It'll be hard for me to make sure you do from five hundred kilometers away.”

“You're not my mother,” Akira teases, earning himself a gentle, joking slap on the cheek from Makoto, which gets him grinning. “I will, promise. Wouldn't want to worry you.”

Makoto hugs him once more. “You could never worry me, Akira.”

Futaba surprises him by throwing themself at Akira. Akira stumbles to catch them both, laughing, and plants himself on the ground firmly to return their hug.

“I debugged your phone a while ago,” Futaba says sadly, pulling their glasses off to wipe their tears away. “But that doesn't mean you're allowed to ignore us, got it?!”

Akira shakes his head. “Why would I do that?”

“You're already mean enough for leaving,” Futaba ducks back into the hug, sniffing, “I don't know what to expect from you.”

With the girls finished with their goodbyes and off talking to Morgana, Akira turns to face the last of the group. Ryuji and Yusuke look so downright miserable that a laugh bubbles out from him, and before either can say anything he pulls them both into a hug.

“I'm gonna see you guys again sooner than you think,” he tells them, unsure if the statement is true but hoping it cheers them up anyway. “Stop making those faces like I'm leaving forever.”

“Six hours away feels so far,” Ryuji sighs, sounding dejected. “How can I annoy you everyday when you're all the way over here?”

“Implying you could _ever_ annoy me.” Ryuji pulls back to grin at him, and it makes his heart ache a little. Akira retracts from Yusuke enough to look at them. “Take care of yourself, okay? Let me know when you have big exhibits coming up. I'll be there if I can.”

“That's unnecessary. You have no reason to travel five or six hours just to attend an exhibit of mine.”

“You and your art is reason enough.” And it's true; Akira wouldn't miss something so important to Yusuke for the world. Yusuke looks at him with shiny eyes, then smiles and pulls him into another hug.

“Thank you,” they say softly into his shoulder, and Akira nods silently against theirs.

It's no surprise that Ryuji is bouncing off his feet when Akira turns to him. He gets so bouncy when he's nervous or upset that Akira sometimes worries that he'll tip himself over.

Akira holds open his arms and cocks his head, causing the blond to laugh at him before moving close enough to hug him.

“I'm really gonna miss you,” Ryuji murmurs against his blazer, and his grip on Akira tightens for a split second. “Did so damn much for me since I met you a year ago and I never even paid you back properly.”

Akira buries his face into Ryuji's sweater and shakes his head furiously. “You paid me back enough by sticking around as my right hand man the whole time. I don't need anything else.”

Ryuji punches his arm halfheartedly. “Quit tryin’ to make me cry, damn it.”

“Look after each other,” Akira directs the request at Yusuke as well, rubbing Ryuji's back before untangling himself from the other boy. “I don't want to come back to Tokyo for a visit only to find out one of you passed out from exhaustion or lack of food or something.”

Yusuke laughs. “I doubt we need to be reminded to look after one another. It's not something you should concern yourself over.”

It's nice to hear that, it really is. Akira huffs out a laugh of his own. “I just like to make sure.”

“Hey, guys, c'mere! Let's take a picture before we have to go!”

“Great,” Ryuji snorts at Ann waving her phone in the air by the van, “here she goes again.”

Akira smiles and follows as Ryuji rejoins the girls, Yusuke in tow. The sunset casts the most miserable orange glow over the whole of the town.

God. What he would do to freeze time, just this once.

  
  
  


They watch the van drive off, the Thieves waving and shouting from the windows until they're gone, out of eyesight and earshot. Akira tracks the vehicle as it turns the corner and it's like watching his life come to an end.

Still. He has things to attend to, doesn't he?

“And as one chapter ends,” Morgana sighs from his bag, shaking his head. “Another begins. Ready to go?”

“Welcome to Nara,” Akira answers, and they head down the street, past the sidewalk that hosted the encounter that changed his life a little over a year ago. If Morgana notices him linger, he doesn't comment.

This is such a foreign sense of familiarity.


	2. AT THE HIP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuji's just _as_ stuck on all those little details, if not more so. He's swimming in so many stupid little reminders that Akira's gone, he's almost tired of hearing his name.
> 
> It's so fuckin’ dumb.

The new term of school starts a week and a day after Akira leaves. Meaning Ryuji is officially a third year.

The only person he recognizes in his class on the first day back is Mishima Yuuki, who he immediately claims the seat behind, right in the back corner of the room. Yuuki waves at him tiredly and Ryuji's happy to see him.

The first day is never really eventful, not anymore, when Ryuji's only friends at school are Yuuki and Ann, one of whom isn't even in his class this year. He at least has Yuuki to help him get through the day without feeling like complete shit.

Yuuki doodles in his notebook and starts a silent game with Ryuji where they pass back and forth the same drawing, taking turns to add things onto it. It's stupid and fun and the end product is so messy that Ryuji can't tell if it'd make Yusuke proud or send them reeling.

At one point, Ryuji had drawn his Thief mask on the paper, which turned the game from drawing to typical note passing. The conversation began with Yuuki questioning the doodle, and continued as follows:

An arrow pointing to the mask. In Yuuki's blue pen: “Phantom Thieves???!”

In Ryuji's red: “damn right!!! my metaverse mask, badass right”

“Fitting for you lol!!! very rebellious and punk”

“lol wbu? the documentary going well?”

Yuuki reading that, then turning to grin at Ryuji, then scribbling, “Yeah! need input from Akira on it but he hasn't been replying :(”

Ryuji reading that, frowning. “yeah he's been mia for the past couple days, guessing he's busy getting back into the swing of things back @ home. he'll probs respond to you soon”

“I miss him already TBH, ~~he was like one of my best~~ I feel like things are missing now it's weird”

Ryuji, at somewhat of a loss for words, responding “he definitely misses you too bud. i 100% get the feeling tho” before the teacher catches wind of their distractions and forces them to cut it out.

By the time lunch rolls around, Ann's texted Ryuji to meet her on the roof, and Ryuji decidedly drags Yuuki with him once confirming that the latter had no objections. Ann looks happy to see him.

“Mishima!” She throws an arm over the boy's shoulder with a wide smile, Yuuki returning the hug easily. “You got stuck in class with Ryuji, huh?”

Ryuji cocks a brow. “You make it sound like a bad thing.”

“I haven't heard a thing the teachers have said today,” Yuuki betrays immediately, sweet smile still on his face, and Ann giggles as Ryuji shoves Yuuki jokingly. “It's cool, though. At least I'm not bored all the time.”

Ryuji sits on one of the shitty metal chairs next to Ann, ignoring the way it takes him back a year, back to their Thief meetings during their infiltration of Kamoshida's Palace. “You call me up here for any reason?”

Ann motions for Yuuki to take a seat then shakes her head. “Nope, just didn't wanna be alone for lunch. One of the best parts of having Mishima and Akira in my class was that I wasn't lonely during lunch after Shiho left.”

“Good thing I brought Mishima, then,” Ryuji snorts while Yuuki grins and flushes at the attention. “Class still boring for you, I'm guessin’?”

“I spent the whole time texting Shiho and Makoto. Who kept getting mad at me for doing it, by the way.” Ann kicks her legs absently. “It's so much more boring without anything to look _forward to_. Like, no Palaces or meetings… I can't even bug Akira and Morgana when I'm bored anymore.”

“Tell me about it,” Ryuji runs a hand through his hair, blowing out a breath.

“Man,” Yuuki exhales, suddenly deflating in his seat, “it's weird without Akira here. If he didn't pop up a year ago all three of our lives would've been so different.”

“I'm so glad he _did_ ,” Ann is quick to answer, not seeming to want to linger on the thought of what could have been. Yuuki catches wind of her discomfort, nods wordlessly and smiles apologetically at her, then changes the topic to something about the new term.

Ryuji lets himself linger for a second, though. A week since he left and Akira's still the only thing anyone's been talking about. Ryuji thinks he gets it, Akira has been mysteriously quiet for the past few days, never answering calls and not even reading texts, but it must be stressful for him to be getting back home as the school year is starting.

Listening to his friends talk about it, though, it makes sense that no one wants to drop it. How could they ignore it? The guy saved all of their lives multiple times over. Akira looked out for them. It's hard to watch someone so life changing up and leave without a trace. It's almost like he was never here in the first place.

But, shit, if Akira hadn't shown up a year ago, Ryuji has no clue what shitty situation he'd be stuck in now. He'd probably be the same useless punk loser he was a year ago, living with the knowledge that he'd never be able to stand up against Kamoshida, despite everything the man had done to him amongst others.

Even just sitting here on Shujin's roof with Yuuki and Ann is something he wouldn't be able to do if not for Akira. It's small things like that that everyone is so caught up on. So it makes sense that they keep bringing him up.

Ryuji's just _as_ stuck on all those little details, if not more so. He's swimming in so many stupid little reminders that Akira's gone, he's almost tired of hearing his name.

It's so fuckin’ dumb.

On Thursday he gets a text from Yusuke in the middle of class, which reads:

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** Ramen?

And nothing else. Ryuji shoots back a “yeah, meet @ shibuya after school” and stares at the conversation for a second before pocketing his phone again.

Taking Yusuke out to eat isn't anything new— they have trouble remembering to eat properly and Ryuji tries to stay on top of helping them keep track— but it's usually Ryuji who brings it up first, it's usually not in the middle of class, and they only really get ramen when Ryuji's having a bad day or Yusuke's feeling especially picky with food textures.

He wonders about it all day until he's getting off the train at Shibuya and walking towards their usual meetup spot by a vending machine, where Yusuke's already waiting.

It doesn't take much to tell when Yusuke's overwhelmed, and Ryuji thinks he's gotten pretty good at telling by now. They spot Ryuji and wait for him to approach before sidling up next to him, close enough that they're arm to arm, and Ryuji knows then and there that they need to get out of this crowd of people, stat.

He nudges them carefully and nods toward the line to Ogikubo. “C'mon.”

Yusuke hates the train. Ryuji knows this because in their approximate year of being friends, Ryuji noticed that Yusuke has only ever taken the train to locations too far out of walking distance or when they were accompanied by friends. It's too crowded and loud for their liking, too hard to maneuver and always too busy.

One day, Ryuji's just going to get his driver's license to make it easier on them, because watching them fidget endlessly once they're squeezed into the back of the train makes him feel guilty. They maintain proximity to Ryuji, shoulders just touching, and Ryuji hopes it helps at least a little bit.

Yusuke stays silent until they're out of the station, on the streets of Ogikubo, and their first words are “I have had a rather long day.”

Ryuji figured as much. He purses his lips and shoves his hands into his pockets. “Ramen gonna make you feel better?”

“The company will,” Yusuke flexes their fingers absently, then brushes their hair back behind their ear, “I'm sure.”

Being around Yusuke always feels different. The fact of the matter is Ryuji enjoys the time they spend together as much as he enjoys the time he spends with everyone else, but Yusuke's a bit of a weird case.

Ann's told him before that of the Thieves, he, Akira, and Futaba are probably the best at understanding Yusuke. Because Yusuke, for all their eccentricities, is hard to get a read on: some things get them talking easier than others, some things expend their energy faster. It's determinant on so many other factors that guessing how interactions with Yusuke will go is like shooting at a moving target.

Ryuji's a little proud to say he hits near the mark every time. It's nice to know Yusuke's is comfortable around him. Comfortable enough to stim, to let their mood shifts show, to talk endlessly about things when they feel like it. Hanging out with them is always nice for that reason: Yusuke genuinely enjoys it, and they don't need to admit it for Ryuji to know.

The walk from the station to the ramen shop is short, muscle memory from how often Ryuji winds up here. They sit in the same spot they always sit in when they come here. They order the same things they always order when they come here. Still, something is off, Ryuji realizes as he snaps his chopsticks apart.

He watches Yusuke stir their food silently for a minute, then asks, “What's botherin’ you, dude?”

Yusuke doesn't answer. Doesn't indicate that they heard him at all, really, but Ryuji knows better than to assume the worst from their silence. They just need time to process words, is all.

“I've been in something of an art rut for the past week,” they begin quietly, “which may sound ridiculous, as school only just started back up, but—”

But it doesn't, because Yusuke's life revolves around art. Ryuji shakes his head and shovels some food into his mouth. “Nah, I get it. How bad is it?”

Yusuke deflates a bit. “It… hasn't been _this_ bad in months. Last it was was after we defeated Madarame.”

Ryuji thinks he remembers that, vaguely. Conversations with Yusuke about art are so frequent and long that he gets them all mixed up. “Shit. What got you out of it, last time?”

“Akira, mostly,” Yusuke cups their chin in a hand, dropping their proper posture uncharacteristically. “He accompanied me through the struggle. The other factor was frequent visits to Mementos. So you can imagine why it may be harder for me to escape the rut this time around.”

There it is again: mentions of Akira and allusions to his absence. Yusuke, luckily, doesn't elaborate on the topic, so Ryuji huffs to think for a second.

“Yeah, I could guess the problem, there.” He's granted with a small huff of a tired laugh from Yusuke. “Think I can help somehow? There's gotta be a realistic way to get you inspired again. What else works?”

He watches Yusuke carefully and neatly take a bite of their meal, chewing slowly. “I quite enjoy walks,” they say after swallowing. “Observing people and places in their most candid moments. It's rather inspiring in its own mundane way.”

“Walks, huh?” Ryuji doesn't get it, can't quite understand what's so captivating about people in Tokyo living their lives. It's a city, everyone is too absorbed in their own shit to even show hints of emotion on their faces.

But Yusuke nods again, so Ryuji guesses there must be charm in it _somehow_. “Right. I ain't Akira, but I can help with walks, man. That something you'd like?”

Yusuke straightens, then looks at Ryuji contemplatively. After a long second, they nod. “I'd appreciate that greatly, actually.”

It's nice to think he can still help people after all this time.

He isn't Akira. He _really_ isn't Akira.

He thinks this because on Saturday afternoon, when he and Yusuke go out to Inokashira Park to walk around, Ryuji doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing, if he's helping at all by being here.

He listens where Yusuke talks but doesn't know how to prove he's engaged, and watches flower buds fall from trees into the pond and doesn't understand why Yusuke's so enticed with framing the scene with their fingers.

He doesn't get it. It's kind of frustrating that he doesn't. How was Akira so _good_ at this? Giving so much of himself to everyone around him without worrying if it was too much or too little?

The company is nice, at least. As annoyed with himself as Ryuji is near the end of the outing, it's still cool to sit next to Yusuke on a park bench and watch them scribble out quick, vague figures of passersby with deft fingers, grip occasionally tightening on the pencil where they struggle with a detail Ryuji never even noticed. He forgets, sometimes, just how breathtaking of an artist Yusuke really is.

“You don't gotta push yourself like that,” he comments idly at some point, leaning back against the back of the bench. Yusuke blinks out of their focus and looks at him, confused. “You're puttin’ too much effort into makin’ everything perfect. I know you're a prodigy and all that but jumping the gun when you're struggling already'll just hurt you down the line.”

Yusuke blinks again, brow furrowing, then glances down at their sketchbook. Back up at the subject of the sketch. Back down at the paper rendition. Frowns. “I don't think you understand how the fine arts work.”

Which makes Ryuji feel a little worse than he did earlier. “Maybe I don't, man, but I know stress when I see it. I'm just askin’ you to take care of yourself.”

He can't tell how Yusuke takes that, because the artist looks away again, pencil tapping on the newsprint of their sketchbook before the scribbling picks back up again, wordlessly.

God, he really isn't any good at this.

**KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I appreciate your company this afternoon at the park.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** And apologize for my rash behavior. You must be right about the stress.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** Would you be so kind as to accompany me out again on Monday, after school?

 **SAKAMOTO RYUJI:** np dude. course i was right about it lol. and course ill go with you again, just gimme the place.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I'd like to observe the scenery at Harajuku, if that's alright.

 **SAKAMOTO RYUJI:** totally

 **SAKAMOTO RYUJI:** you gonna take better care of yourself then?

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** _TYPING…_

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** _TYPING…_

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** Your roots are coming back in. I thought you might like to know.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I'll see you Monday.

On Sunday, Ryuji ducks out of a shop in Shibuya with a bottle of product and nothing more.

“Oh, honey,” his mom begins once he shows her the purchase later in the day, “are you sure about this?”

He is, and tells her as much. She doesn't question it any further, and he loves her all the more for it.

“Nice to have you back,” Ann laughs at him during Monday's lunch, and Ryuji grins at her while Yuuki leans over him to inspect the change.

“I almost forgot how good you look like this,” he comments, and when he realizes what he's said and flusters, Ann laughs even harder.

He meets Yusuke after school, at their usual spot in a much less crowded Shibuya station, and watches three different emotions flash on their face before they settle on a small smile.

“You look charming,” they tell him, reaching up to gently brush their hand against the black strands of hair at the nape of Ryuji's neck. “To think you found blond a more suitable look on yourself.”

He still thinks it was. Black hair looks better on Akira, anyway. 


	3. TOEING LINES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They've turned from sketching random people and places to sketching their friends for now, trying to ignore how messy and disfigured and _imperfect_ all of the figures in their sketchbook are every time they flip to a new page. They're all harsh red lines and uneven line widths and it's all ugly and wrong, they need to do better than that. They _should_ be doing better than that.
> 
> They're just… not.

Yusuke tells themself they aren't struggling right now.

They know for a fact it's definitely the wrong way to go about this, but no one can make them admit it if no one _knows_. All they need to do is keep drawing until whatever this is passes.

They've turned from sketching random people and places to sketching their friends for now, trying to ignore how messy and disfigured and _imperfect_ all of the figures in their sketchbook are every time they flip to a new page. They're all harsh red lines and uneven line widths and it's all ugly and wrong, they need to do better than that. They _should_ be doing better than that.

They're just… not.

“Yusuke,” Haru's voice is as sweet as it always is, but it's starting to lean towards concern over its usual lilt by now. “Let's stop for today, okay?”

They don't want to, honestly. They know that even if they stop now they'll just stay awake into the night trying again and again, anyway. But Haru sounds worried and they feel guilty, so they sigh and put their pencil down, silent permission for Haru to move from the pose she's been in for close to half an hour.

She stands and retreats from the living room to the kitchen, humming as she goes. The Okumura residence is grand in many ways, though it feels reluctantly so by now; Haru has mentioned her distaste in its extravagance, but it remains her legal property due to a mess of financial advisors and social workers hired by her father before his passing.

Haru doesn't seem to mind the emptiness of it all, to Yusuke's confusion. To be fair to her, she's rarely alone, anyway. Makoto seems to visit often enough that it's a secondary home to her.

Regardless, Yusuke is here on nothing more than a friendly visit to see Haru, and it's really nothing new. They've been here enough times before that they can easily make themself comfortable in the crook of Haru's luxurious couch and observe Makoto typing an essay furiously where she sits in the arm chair in sweatpants and a tee shirt smattered with cracker crumbs.

“Do you… have a deadline approaching?” they inquire, partially to instigate conversation and partially out of genuine curiosity, imagining that the fury is due to Makoto working last minute. Which is very unlike her, anyway.

She shakes her head, eyes still tracking the words as they appear on her screen. “I have engagements up to the day this is due. I'm just trying to get it done early so it's out of the way.”

“Stop to have tea with us, Mako-chan,” Haru calls upon her return, a tray of steaming tea in her hands. Yusuke thinks Makoto can't say no to Haru, because she easily shuts her laptop to sit up and accept the cup Haru places before her.

Haru has always been a gracious host. Yusuke takes the tea with unceremonious thanks and watches the steam rise past the rim of the cup. Haru elegantly sits down next to them. “How have things been lately, Yusuke?”

“Just fine,” they answer, lying through their teeth, “I haven't been up to much, I'm afraid. I imagine things have been far more hectic for the two of you, with university and whatnot.”

“Business is still more exciting than school is,” Haru sighs, lips drawing together in a pout. “Which doesn't say a whole lot, really. But I've been setting up a bigger garden outside with Futaba, Ann, and Mako-chan's help! It's been a fun use of my time.”

Yusuke had seen said garden on the way in. It's still in its early stages, but they can see it becoming very homely within a few months. They smile and nod. “I'm excited for you. I can tell it's in loving hands.”

“It absolutely is,” Makoto hums, somehow sipping on the steeping hot tea as though it's only mild. She's honestly terrifying where she wants to be. “I have no clue how she makes time for school, work, _and_ gardening on top of all of it.”

Haru flushes and smiles gratefully at Makoto. “It's nice to have something simple like gardening to fall back on when I'm overwhelmed with other things, is all. It's like stepping into a different world for a while.”

Yusuke's reminded dimly of their Metaverse excursions with the idea and purses their lips at the thought. They didn't think they'd miss living a double life as much as they do, but they truly _do_ miss it.

“University is mostly busywork. There really isn't anything exciting about it when it's just starting,” Makoto shrugs a shoulder. “Which reminds me, you're taking entrance exams this year, right? You worried?”

“Not much. I _am_ an honors student, after all,” which is something they _are_ very proud of, but rarely get the chance to discuss with anyone, “I have little to worry about between my grades and my art.”

Haru's expression flickers, suddenly. “Speaking of, has everything been alright in that regard?”

“Which regard?” Both a pathetic attempt to dodge and a tell, they know, and regret the words the second they leave their mouth.

“Your art,” Haru answers patiently.

Yusuke brings the cup to their mouth, letting the hot tea run over their tongue and down their throat. “Hm. Fine, I suppose. Inspiration _did_ carry me all the way here.”

They don't know why they even bother lying about it. It gets them nowhere and Yusuke thinks they're as easy to see through as plastic. It's ridiculous to think they could get away with falsifying things like this.

Especially when Haru and Makoto don't seem to believe them at all. Makoto narrows her eyes and carefully places her tea cup down on the tray, pulling her laptop back open on her lap. “You're a spectacular artist, I'm sure you know. It'd be a shame if you expended yourself enough to soil that.”

Yusuke's hand clenches into a fist in their lap. The topic is swiftly dropped.

When everything is said and done, the visit isn't for nothing, because Yusuke has always treasured time with friends. It's a little bittersweet, however, when Makoto places a gentle hand on their back as they're sliding their shoes back on on their way out. She means well and Yusuke feels their throat tighten at the thought of disappointing her, or Haru, or any of the rest of their friends.

They just have to get past this roadblock. That's all they have to do.

**TAKAMAKI ANN:** You eat properly today?

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** Yes.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** And you?

 **TAKAMAKI ANN:** Mmhm!

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I trust that insinuates you ate proper meals and not just junk foods.

 **TAKAMAKI ANN:** Proper meals, ofc. You worry too much

 **TAKAMAKI ANN:** ONE slice of cake earlier after a shoot. But I did eat more than that!!!

 **TAKAMAKI ANN:** Let's get lunch on Sunday, miss hanging out with you

 **TAKAMAKI ANN:** Take care of yourself until then!!! xoxo

Wednesday of the new week rolls around and Yusuke fusses over capturing the curve of Ryuji's neck as the latter lounges on a chair in their dorm room.

Ryuji is, oddly enough, easier to sketch than every other one of Yusuke's friends. He's all sharp lines and rough edges and it makes Yusuke feel okay with getting a little messier with their work.

When they stop after the third sketch and look back up at Ryuji, they find him staring at them with dark eyes. Odd how the look makes Yusuke want to pull away and conceal themself more than usual when paired with Ryuji's newly dyed black hair.

“What?” they ask, formalities lost to their embarrassment, feeling all too vulnerable under Ryuji's gaze. Ryuji is good at that: making Yusuke feel like they can't hide, like they don't _need_ to hide. It doesn't make them want to hide any less, however.

“This ain't workin’,” Ryuji answers, and they both know what he means by that. He sighs and ruffles his hair before moving to get into a different pose.

He really does look charming with black hair.

Ryuji is right. None of this is working.

They go back to taking walks. Yusuke swears Ryuji is looking at them more than he is the scenery, but it's probably just their imagination.

They take a few days away from their sketchbook to get ahead on schoolwork, hoping that reapproaching it in a different light later will give them _something_ to work with.

They go out with Ann for lunch on Sunday. She and Ryuji have the same hard stare that makes Yusuke nervous; it's like being under an interrogation light.

“You haven't been sleeping,” she deduces, and that's the thing about Ann. She reads them so easily and doesn't give them any room to deny anything, any room to lie.

“I've been busy with schoolwork,” which _isn't_ a lie, at least. They watch the steam rise from the takoyaki between the two of them and listen to Ann's manicured nails tapping against the table.

She contemplates them a second longer and nods her head. “I get that. Just— try to get some rest, yeah? Don't make me start keeping track your sleeping, too.”

“I wouldn't want to stress you out in such a way.”

Their message history with Akira looks sad and desperate, Yusuke realizes some odd time in the night on a school night. The conversation is one-sided and not a single message has been read. It goes as follows, starting from the message Akira first left unread nearly a month ago:

**KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I hope things are faring well for you in Nara thus far.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** Moving as the school year starts must be stressful. Rest assured, I'm here in any case you may need me.

**KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I thought it might interest you to know that I already have a couple of universities attempting to scout me for my talent.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** As you had suspected would happen.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I must extend my thanks to you for this, of course.

**KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** To keep you updated, I'm in a bit of a struggle with my art as of today.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I'm sure it will pass soon. Ryuji is helping me in your stead.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I'm grateful.

**KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** I think I may need to take a break from my art for a short while.

 **KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** It feels odd to admit that.

**KITAGAWA YUSUKE:** Perhaps overwhelming you with messages during all of this wasn't my brightest idea. I apologize if it's too much. I'll limit myself from here on out.

They don't know how to feel over the radio silence. It makes them bitter, but they know not to expect something as cold as ignorance from Akira.

Still, it's hard not to miss his company.

Yusuke can't stay away from their sketchbook for long and they despise it. Ryuji takes them back to Inokashira Park to do more life studies, and for all of forty minutes everything feels fine.

Then they mess up on a broad stroke of their pencil, and everything that's been weighing on them for the past few weeks crashes back down, thrusting them back to square one.

Why can't they do this?

After their first slump post-Madarame, they didn't think this could happen again. They're so utterly drained of all their energy, all their creative ability, but right now it feels nothing like the first time. Now, it's so much worse; even their friends, who pulled them through the struggle the first time, can't help them now.

It's ridiculous to think, but maybe they weren't cut out for this. Maybe, just maybe, they were designated to live an underdog's life, under the wing of someone who could bend their talents to his will. Who could make more use of this skill in a way they never could.

Because they never fell this hard until they left Madarame.

They should have stayed. They should have _stayed_ , they should have never left— it was better, wasn't it? Living in a home and actually producing art, never getting recognition for it but putting that fabricated, greedy smile on their foster father's face every time, feeling capable of contributing _something_ —

“ _Yusuke_!”

They can feel the wood of their pencil starting to strain under their thumb. The lead has already snapped off the tip and the line it had previously been trying to fix is now an angry, bold red from being traced over too many times with enough pressure that Yusuke might've torn through the page if they had gone on a second longer.

The small, dark dots suddenly decorating the page must be from the tears that apparently began streaking down their cheeks. The hand on their shoulder must be Ryuji's.

Right. Inokashira Park, with Ryuji. This isn't the time or place for getting consumed by traumas like that, is it?

“Yusuke,” Ryuji says again, shifting to lean forward, as though trying to look at Yusuke's face, “hey, come on. Deep breaths. Can you do that for me?”

They try. Their chest feels tight as they pull air into their lungs, the beginnings of a panic attack still holding too tight, but Ryuji's hand on their shoulder has yet to leave. They drop their pencil and fold in on themself, digging the heels of their hands into their eyes, hoping to lessen some of the sensations that are suddenly unbearably overwhelming.

Ryuji lets them regain their breath in silence. His physical contact is welcome, for once; Yusuke usually hates being touched, but the hand on their shoulder is keeping them grounded now. They feel Ryuji gently urge their sketchbook away from them, hear him place it down on his other side.

When they can breathe somewhat normally and their shaking has lessened, Ryuji recedes his hand, still leaning close enough that Yusuke's can feel the fabric of their sweaters brushing. “You okay to talk?”

They shake their head no without giving it a second thought. Ryuji takes this in stride, like he always does.

“Told you to pace yourself,” he scolds gently, no genuine upset carrying in his voice, “didn't listen. You always get me all worried, dude.”

Yusuke knows this. Ryuji's naturally a caring person and has proven himself to be so several times over. Now is no exception.

They hear the telltale sound of Ryuji fussing vigorously with his hair, a sort of tic of his that's endeared itself to Yusuke over time. “If it helps any, everythin’ I’ve seen you draw for the past month has been just as good as usual. I think something else is making you _think_ it's bad.”

The bench creaks with Ryuji's weight as he leans back. “Doesn't matter, though. We can deal with it later. I'm takin’ you out for monja and you're goin’ straight to bed when you get back to your dorm. Knew I should've been less lax about all of this.”

Yusuke moves to wipe their eyes with their sleeve, pausing in the position to gather the remainder of their bearings. Ryuji falls quiet as they do so.

This will definitely call for an awkward conversation about Yusuke's intrusive thoughts later. For now, though, the prospect of a break sounds a little nicer, a little easier to accept after finally letting the dam of emotions they'd been ignoring burst open.

But it's silly, really, how strenuous it is for them to build their way into such panic-inducing thoughts without realizing it, how easy it is for Ryuji to bring them back down as though it's second nature to him.

“I'm sorry,” they sign after a pregnant pause, unable to bring themself to speak, “you were right about me pushing myself. Thank you.”

“Just looking out for you,” Ryuji shrugs modestly. He picks up Yusuke's pencil and sketchbook and closes the latter of the two. “Let's get out of here, yeah? Find somewhere quieter.”

Akira had told them to avoid this and it's the first thing they went and did. Pushing themself into a breakdown, and over what? Yusuke isn't sure, but as they calm down and let Ryuji guide them off the bench and out of the park, shoulder to shoulder, they _do_ realize one thing.

It's ridiculous to think they'd ever trade this out for Madarame for even a second. 

**Author's Note:**

> some hcs i have, i'm unsure of which ones i used in this fic bc i haven't looked thru it in awhile but:
> 
> \- ryuji's right leg is a prosthetic, shiho is in a wheelchair  
> \- yusuke is hard of hearing, ann is too, akira+futaba are semi-verbal/selectively mute-- almost all thieves know jsl  
> \- all thieves + mishima are either autistic or have adhd, all are trans and lgb  
> \- specifically: akira + yusuke + morgana + futaba are non-binary, ryuji + ann + haru are trans, makoto is trans fem non-binary, mishima is trans masc non-binary  
> \- yusuke + mishima are gay, haru + ann + shiho are lesbians, everyone else is bi  
> \- implied bpd ryuji, implied ocd yusuke, yusuke + ann with eating disorders, touch averse yusuke, futaba has psychosis  
> \- ryuji has trichotillomania (hair pulling. in my hc this is why his eyebrows are the way they are)
> 
> fic takes place right after the game ends, you can find a detailed list of dates here (spoiler warning though bc this calendar lists ALL of the events i had planned: [ march-april calendar](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/342936945262854145/687088583588446209/hWgtH0ZjlG-QxtJGqZY4kl7DnDNu8Vo7O8E1RKCKSCCXC-dIVNvi2UNEjhlXbHKiJlq1xGHqdCioR-QodPS4ZLjV15L6Za5R_uUC.png?width=314&height=476) [ april-may calendar](https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/342936945262854145/687090078241390630/te_XFauECFp8so4LMk-0e85vnzChlXJgB_3iybppJ1r8Bu4UxYfXEJ_sJlqih-MMX9FWhrdINBKkDqtgayFAzJpV3JgTE9DqCWVz.png?width=319&height=476)
> 
> hope you enjoy, find me @ptoh or @ltab on tumblr :)


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